From living with my parents ( they do not have internet ), working, and transferring schools, I’ve neglected this blog severely. So let’s catch up, and I want to be totally honest.
I left Asheville because it was affecting my mental and personal health, not that I was helping it anyway. I learned a lot about myself, and the damage I was causing to myself. I was acting impulsive, drinking too much, neglecting school assignments, and refusing to take responsibility seriously. I met some awesome people and some awful people as well. I can admit that at times I was shitty to people because I am an extremely angry person, and I have to take out my feelings on other people. I don’t take meds anymore, nor do I consistently see a therapist. I’m walking closer to the deep end and getting more lost on the way. I realized that I can’t talk to the people that I want to talk to about my problems. I am angry about something or at someone all of the time.
Right now, I’m angry at a lot of people. I am angry at the people who don’t take mental illness seriously. I am angry at people who can’t be honest with me. I am angry at people who think addiction is SAD. I’m angry at the people who aim their hate at people who they think deserve it. I am angry at myself for not being successful or well settled. I am angry at the people who ask me if I could stop being the way I am. I am extremely angry at the people who perceive me as weak. I am angry at the people who live in some fantasy world where people don’t belong in boxes. I am pissed at people who want to make people suffer for previous sins. I am angry at the ignorance people have, and they think they can live their lives without consequence, but judge the shit out of me when I do something wrong. The people that think that the world would be better without certain people, and the people who think that things only appear as the preconceived notions that they were raised with, I have something to say to you.
Life is not black and white. Everyone is dealing with something different. Society will NEVER be perfect. Addiction and mental illness is not romantic, poetic, cool, or weak. It is TERRIFYING. Hallucinations are scary. Addiction can’t be beat without a support system. People don’t seek help because they are afraid of judgement that they are weak and horrible people. People who suffer from a mental illness need help, not people constantly rebuking them for being born the way they are. People with mental illness are NOT WEAK. We are strong, and we put up with this crap every day for the rest of our lives. We deserve to be looked at as human beings. To add to the bubble bursting but there is not room for judgement from any one because no one is a perfect specimen of your ideas, not even you.
Like I said, I am angry. I am furious. I am livid. I will be every day of my life.
I can’t help it. Some days I feel like killing myself. Some days I feel like punching walls I am so angry. Sometimes I feel like people hate me and feel uncomfortable around me. A few times out of the day, I am somewhat happy. That’s what I feel like. I feel like some people can’t get past their ideas of mental illness. I’ve been told that God is testing me. I’ve been told God is punishing me. I’ve been asked if the devil is bothering me. I’ve been told that I can stop feeling that way if I wanted to. I can’t. I can’t control my emotions, and I always feel extremes. That is what bipolar disorder is. It’s hereditary. There are people in my family who have the same illness, but they receive no help because people treat us like we somehow deserve it.
And that makes me angry.